I had another dream about my stepmother last night. In this dream, she had gone shopping for me, and picked out some clothing necessities that I don’t currently have, which all fit me perfectly. She had even found me a perfectly fitting pair of pants (this is my clothing holy grail, since my [...]
Excerpt from May 5, 2008 journal
…One of the weirdest things is that even while writing this I’m consumed with a feeling of “who gives a shit? Who is going to even want to read this? Who wants to read about another person’s suffering?” I have this idea in my head that there [...]
When I was a teenager, I had long beautiful hair. I had worn it back for years, but I realized at some point that it looked pretty down, and so I started to wear it this way. I dyed it a subtle red color. Right around this time, my stepmother decided it [...]
Today in the Literature, Arts, and Medicine Blog, Madge McKeithen writes,
I imagine a doctor and a patient facing a tough situation, a diagnosis difficult to deliver or to make. I imagine neither of them wanting to be in that conversation. What poem might each hold (figuratively or literally)? What one between them? Many come to [...]
I have some mini-neuroses concerning eating. Whenever I share food with Richard, I must have the last bite. I’m not sure why, but I feel some undercurrent of deprivation and panic if I don’t get the last bite. Sometimes even when I’m eating something alone I feel a strange, quiet panic when [...]
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Last night was a hard night, full of nightmares that caused me to wake, resuming as soon as I fell asleep again. I’m taking a personal day off. The neural ghosts of past traumas cavort in my head like schools of slippery fish.
Self portrait, 2008
It’s only 1pm and I’m pretty sure I’ve hit my emotional high and low for the day.
High: Daydreaming about the artistic process while riding the bus; thinking about how frustrating and frightening being a visual artist is; thinking about how much vulnerability it requires– how each line in a drawing is a chance for [...]
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I’ve been recovering from a bad virus for a month or so, and the road has been long and hard and boring and frustrating. Today was the first day where I said to myself, “I think I should like to ride my bike to work today, wot wot!” It’s been ages since I’ve [...]
I have a strange theory.
Sometimes during depressive episodes, I look into the mirror, and see my mother and father’s faces so clearly in my own that the experience evokes strong feelings of anger and self-hatred. I imagine that I am becoming them and I can’t escape it. I feel so angry that my [...]
Today I’m in the dumps. It’s a cold rainy day in Seattle, and I miss riding my bike. I haven’t been riding because I’ve been feeling sick for months; just a short ride between home and work twice a day can leave me feeling so drained I need to sleep immediately when I [...]