I don’t know what’s been going on in my head lately. It’s been so hard to decode myself. I have not felt peaceful this past week, but I don’t know why. I remind myself of an abused dog who lashes out insensibly at every startling thing around it.
I had a strange experience this morning. One of my cats acted cruelly to my other cat, and I was so upset that I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying. What the hell? Usually I regard my cats’ behavior with amusement, even when they do “bad” things, and I try to think about how I might train away the undesirable behavior and encourage harmony in the household. I don’t take it personally. But this time, I did take the behavior personally– not quite anthropomorphizing, but certainly adding creative interpretations– and it was so obvious to me what was happening (this nonstop crying and feeling disturbed), that I realized much faster than normal that this was a flashback of some kind to my childhood. I realized it had to do with something that happened when I was in a foster home when I was 5-6 years old, which is too crude and stupid to talk about even here (where I talk about crude and stupid things as a matter of course).
I guess part of me wants to talk about it, since it seems like the only form of justice my tormenters will ever get, even if they never know it… but I can’t force myself to do it, yet. It is hard to figure out what is appropriate and inappropriate to blog about. I know I have already crossed boundaries that most people would never cross, in sharing personal information, but I do it because I want other people to benefit from my experiences.
Anyway, I have this to say to people who treat kids like a worthless pieces of shit: if nothing else will motivate you to stop but a fear of exposure and embarrassment, think about this: I can almost guarantee you that any kid you abuse will toot your deeds all over the damn internet, in one form or another. If you’re lucky, they won’t use your real name, but it’s not hard to put two and two together in this wonderful “information age”.
In this blagoblog, I walk strange lines between piecemeal autobiography, talking about my art, and just ordinary musings on things that excite me. It doesn’t seem like all those things belong in the same place. When I talk about my art, I consider it business-related. But in the physical workplace, I would never dare talk about my life history the way I do here. So what makes it okay to mix all these things up in a blog? I don’t really know if it is okay. It certainly doesn’t feel good while it’s happening, this slow parceling out thoughts (for an indefinite period of time (to an undefined audience))– it’s unnerving.
Yes– so even though I don’t know what’s going on with me this past week, I just know, “It hurts!” At least I know enough about myself to understand that it does hurt, which is something I couldn’t have told you ten years ago.
Oh, hell. I really did just mean to post some fireworks photos when I started this post. Here they are:
Untitled, July 2009
Untitled, July 2009
Untitled, July 2009
4 Comments
With the recent pace of advances in chaos theory, neural networks and deep-brain stimulation, it should be possible eventually to manufacture a plot for your life. This plot device, as it were, will be inserted somewhere close to your metaphysical heart, acting as a sort of pacemaker for the soul. You will also be furnished with an RC car handset to provide the illusion of self-control.
SWEET. Now that’s my tax dollars at work!
i heart you and i love reading what you write. you have a strong voice and you’re damn funny.
<3
Someone has to go out of their way to read your blog and bring it to a social place where it could upset the ebb and flow. It happens to me now and then, but it’s somewhat rare. You get the protection of someone looks a bit like a fool for doing so mockingly because they went out of their way to read you personal journal. At the same time, high school wasn’t _that_ long ago.
I remember this mug at my grandparents that said “I may be fat but you’re old and I can go on a diet.” Maybe it was ugly and not old. Anyway, I chuckle at the thought of a “the blog is mightier than the sword” line.
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