Beemouse Laboratories

It’s very bloggy just to post saying that I’m in crisis right now, but… I am doing it anyway. I’m in crisis. I will go into more detail about it more later, but I just want to shake my fist and pound things, because I feel sick, I am very behind in school, I am having sad life event things happening, and I am just fucking pissed and sick of it all. That doesn’t mean I hate every atom in the universe, and I can even have full-on laughgasms despite feeling like this (like if I watch Richard do a funny dance or watch a Ze Frank episode) but…

Additionally, I just finished reading Dancing at the River’s Edge, co-written by a patient (with a serious autoimmune disease) and one of her doctors, and it just pretty much kicked my ass halfway to hell. That book has things in it that I would never want Richard to know about what I go through with lupus… I would not ask my friends to read that book. I might ask my family, if I thought my mother or father would give two shits. Even though it’s depressing, it’s still full of amazing information, and I highly recommend it to anyone in a caring profession who works with chronically ill patients. I will probably buy it for my family doctor.

Although the book was a downer, it was affirming at the same time. Having the most soul-chilling aspects of living with chronic illness articulated in a very astute manner makes them more real. I think I spend a lot of time trying to make them less real, because it is very very lonely. I will go back to the book when I am feeling less raw, and pull out some good quotes to share. It’s full of solid content goodness. I actually kind of can’t believe it was even written– I didn’t think people talked so candidly about such things. Don’t people turn away from pain, death, and disease whenever they can? Even doctors do.