I’ve lived in Seattle almost my whole life (if you count growing up on the east side of the lake, which shouldn’t really count, as that area (Redmond, Kirkland, Bellevue) is mainly populated by hostile extraterrestrials), and in living here, I have accidentally developed the skill to taste and enjoy coffee. I know what I like when it comes to espresso.
Basically this means that if I go anywhere outside of metro Seattle, all coffee tastes like crap. Once I was somewhere in the Saskatchewan with Richard and I ordered an Americano at an espresso stand… that was pretty funny. I first had to explain what it was, and then walk the barista through making it, and then… it tasted like… wow, I can’t even describe it. My vocabulary isn’t developed enough.
Yesterday Richard informed me that he has decided Tully’s makes a poorer latte than Starbucks. Okay, that sounds plausible. I am also able to confidently bet that the lattes made at the Tully’s stand in the I-wing rotunda of the Health Sciences Building at the University of Washington are worse than those found in normal Tully’s stores.
I’m trying to envision a bell curve of coffee tastiness. Vivace and Herkimer, Stumptown and Trabant, Cafe Vita and Solstice, Ugly Mug– those are all far outliers. In the middle of the bell curve is the swamp of crap coffee establishments: Starbucks and Tully’s, SBCs and all the places where the baristas aren’t really actually trained to do a good job and have no idea what they’re doing, or things are done assembly line style. (Of course I don’t blame the baristas… if they aren’t trained, it’s the manager’s fault.)
I have this funny idea of putting on waders and delving into the muck of the center of the bell curve of crap coffee… can I decultivate my palate? Should I seek out the shittiest coffee in all of Seattle? I’m not sure where I would start. I guess the Tully’s rotunda in UW HSB was a good start. But where to go from there?
(By the way, I’m not talking about diner coffee here. Everyone knows diner coffee is crappy in that awesome way that makes you want to chain smoke cigarettes and drink 15 cups. I’m talking about espresso. Grinding those beans and pulling the shots.)
Who does it the worst? Maybe identifying the establishment can be a winter project. I would make them a special certificate. “Beemouse Laboratories certifies this establishment serves the worst latte in Seattle” and then I would add a sweet drawing or something.
This completely useless and depressing digression concerning coffee has been sponsored by the letter W, the heavy cloud cover over the last few days, and the knowledge that summer is probably over, even thought I’m pretty sure it never started. Assholes.
Skin of mold on top of a container of old coffee, 2008
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