Last week during therapy I was talking about the periods into which my life is divided. A common symptom of chronic PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is that the patient automatically creates a demarcation line in their mind that separates life “before” the event, and life “after” the event.
In my case, since I was chronically psychologically abused throughout childhood, there are multiple demarcation lines. In therapy I had started talking about the Olympic equestrian events, and my psychologist asked if I rode horses, and I said, well, yes… and went on to explain the following…
The first demarcation line was created when I was in elementary school, and my horseback riding lessons were taken away after only a year. Before you label me as a spoiled little rich girl, I will tell you that yes, we were rich (well, upper middle class– seems rich to me), but I was not spoiled in the least. I was anti-spoiled. When I was given the gift of horseback riding lessons, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me in my life. I could go on about it forever… but sinking back into memory… I think that Alison, my step-mom, was angry about something, and took it out on me by stopping my horseback riding lessons. I really did “die a little”. At that time in my life the lessons were the only thing keeping me afloat.
2nd demarcation line: I moved out of my dad and Alison’s house at the beginning of 12th grade (1997) because I couldn’t take Alison’s abuse anymore. I moved in with one of my best friends, whose parents were away on business the whole year, and wanted me to keep an eye on her. Suddenly my life opened up. I didn’t realize then how un-socialized I was to other humans, but looking back on it, it seems incredible. I had to start learning how to make friends, how to interact with people in a “normal” way. (I learned to fake it.)
3rd demarcation line: I moved to Boston in fall of 1997 for my freshman year of college. I went to Boston University on a full scholarship, and was not used to being around all the other rich east coast people. It was a total mindfuck. I basically went batshit crazy inside, from the culture shock, the stress of my double major (music performance and physics), and some other very unfortunate events that occurred that year. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and medicated with very bad meds. (Diagnosis since rescinded.)
4th demarcation line: I moved back to Seattle in the summer of 1998 at the behest of my father, to transfer to the UW. I met my current best friend. I started partying and socializing more. I got my kitty Newps. Still very mentally unstable.
5th demarcation line: I started dating my husband Richard some time in 2001. It was at this point that my memories of daily life events started sticking. My memories of my life “before” Richard are much different than my memories gained after I met him. The Before memories are fuzzy, jagged, full of holes, like data written to a bad disk that can’t be recovered. (If only there was Time Machine for the brain.)
6th demarcation line: In 2005 I had a mental breakdown– my chronic PTSD symptoms were triggered by a giant drama involving close friends. I was diagnosed with lupus. I quit my job. I was suicidal. I started going to therapy and taking excellent psych meds. I ate raman every day and watched Twilight Zone reruns for comfort. My husband stood by me, fearful but faithful.
I think a 7th line has been forming in the past year. Because of the excellent psychologist I found, who specializes in trauma, I have made huge progress inside my mind. At times I feel like I can do whatever I want, I’m shamelessly exuberant, and that I don’t have to be held back by anyone. The feeling comes and goes, but at least it’s there. I’m learning how to ride the ups and downs– to cultivate a relationship with the wild horses of my emotions. These healthy neural pathways have been created for the first time ever. I think this might be the last demarcation line of my life.
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