I’ve been recovering from a bad virus for a month or so, and the road has been long and hard and boring and frustrating. Today was the first day where I said to myself, “I think I should like to ride my bike to work today, wot wot!” It’s been ages since I’ve felt compelled to ride to work, and I take it as a true sign of my recovery.
I think I had reached the ultimate stage of bike muscle atrophy– I found muscles getting tired that hadn’t been tired since I first started riding, like the muscles in the palms of my hands, where my upper body weight rests on the handle bars. When I first started riding, I remember hurting so much and doubting my ability to ride regularly. Then one day, after commuting to work for a while, I realized those muscles no longer hurt. The pain just sort of faded away.
I blame lupus and fibromyalgia for my negative outlook on my physical abilities. Ever since the diseases flared up a couple years ago and I had to quit dancing, which was my true love, the way in which I regarded my body took a huge blow. It became even more imperfect than before. It became something that held me back and weighed me down, something that I had to wrestle with on a daily basis. I stopped taking as much pleasure in my body and the amazing things it could do.
It’s only been during the last several months that I’ve realized how deeply lupus and FMS affected me this way. In dealing with the diseases, I needed to minimize their importance on a day-to-day basis, in order to get through the day and keep myself sane. However, they are a big deal. It’s a big deal to lose confidence in your most basic of posessions: your body.
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