Beemouse Laboratories

Today I found myself feeling almost exactly like I remember feeling earlier this decade when I was going to college for the first time. I went to the University of Washington. I got a physics degree. I hated every minute of it. I don’t think the classes were too hard in principle– it was that I felt incredibly stupid, incredibly alone, and totally unable to apply myself fully. And I thought after I graduated and grew up a bit, that things had gotten so much better. Yet even so, I find myself at that same sad point now: the end of the quarter, looking at the mess I’ve made of things and asking, “What the hell did I do wrong?”

When I talk to my friends about how dumb/disappointed I feel, a lot of them say things like “you’re being too hard on yourself”. This is so strange to me– especially because I am privy to the original data of how truly, truly hard I used to be on myself. Right now I feel like I’m just setting reasonable goals, and then failing them, without expecting it to happen. That’s not being hard on myself– that’s just a crappy life experience that makes me doubt my ability to plan and succeed at the things I want to do.

One of the very dark places I went this autumn had to do with humility. I learned to talk about things that were horribly embarrassing (granted, probably only embarassing to me). I learned to be more vulnerable. I learned to be vulnerable to people who had absolutely no idea how vulnerable I was being. I started off the quarter feeling like I was learning something about failing with grace– that I didn’t have to be perfect, that I shouldn’t expect perfection in the first place, that it’s possible to deal with the ill opinions of others and just do my own thing…

And yet here I am at the end of the quarter, failing, and feeling horribly ungraceful. My self-image itself seems to be degrading in ways I have never felt before. Some part of my brain feels like I have spent so many years failing that I should just accept that I am a failure and be done with trying, and move on to easier things. Ironically, I have enough practice now to recognize that these thoughts are typical of how I think when I am depressed and anxious, and so I’m not sure if I can use them to make decisions.

Even though end of this quarter has left me feeling truly, fundamentally more stupid, and less capable in my ability to maneuver through life with grace, I suppose I am still better off. I see the “character building” benefits of failure, but I just wish… that I didn’t.. experience so much of it. For the crap I have put myself through these past months, I’d better have a fucking stellar character that provides me with some real benefits in exchange for my misery.

And I can talk and talk to myself, and try to sort it out in language, and end things on a happy note about a silver lining– but that still doesn’t really soothe the deep feelings of failure. I can only assume they will end up going away, the way feelings do when you can leave them alone for a while.

Lot for sale, 2009

Earlier this month I was digging back into my unprocessed photo archives for goodies, jumping back year by year.

September 7, 2008: Little Mia having fun playing in the sand at Matt and Melissa’s wedding at Golden Gardens. This wedding was so heart-warming that I went into a depressed stupor halfway through because I couldn’t help but compare the event to my own wedding, mulling over how depressed I was at that time. But this time, looking at their wedding photos just filled me with joy. It made me realize I was quite depressed at the time of Matt and Melissa’s wedding (I think due to family issues). I am happy there is such a positive difference between the me of last summer and the me of the current summer. What an incredibly long way I’ve come!

September 8, 2007: Here I am hamming it up with a bundle of dried lemon balm and some found costumes. Richard took this photo. We were moving out of “deck house” and into “noise house” (our current residence). Strangely enough, these shoddy homemade tutus are still looking for a permanent home. They are on our hearth right now, waiting to be taken down to storage bins in the basement.

September 8, 2006: My silky morning glories were blooming.

September 7, 2005: I went to Golden Gardens with some friends (here Shawna and Katie are shown), and we were cold on the beach. Fall was approaching. We snuggled in blankets.

September 5, 2004: Richard stares out over the water as we ride a ferry back to downtown Seattle. He looks so young here. I believe we were out hunting for wedding venues.

September 6, 2003: Sylwia pretends to be a fish, swimming gracefully in the air. A group of us went to camp at a very civilized campsite (I forget where). I remember there was lots of pavement, lots of RVs, and a water main that was leaking at the base of our campsite, making a huge mud hole. Park maintenance had to run a pump in order to keep it from overflowing, and we were sad because they were rude to us. Eric and Elliot took turns heaving giant rocks into the river, making everyone laugh.

September 10, 2002: I was learning to make wire-wrapped jewelry. I was also trying to learn how to photograph it, which was harder than I ever imagined. I had so much fun playing with those minuscule sparkling gemstones

September 5, 2001: Wow. This is Richard and I on our way to Burning Man for the first (and only) time. We are so young here. This is eight years past! We were very much in love then, as we are now. It’s a happy photo. I can’t believe Richard and I have been together so long.